Most people have difficulty in accepting the finality of death. Despite its inevitability, death is not only rarely discussed, but in many cultures it forms a taboo subject which inhibits questions being openly asked about the disposition of human remains after death and the practices that are encountered. What is required of the surviving bereaved often represents the biggest problem facing families who have suffered a death. We are likely to experience the loss of a loved one. This loss causes traumatic behaviour, and depending on the emotional attachment of this loss, has a direct bearing on the amount of grief that we express.

Psychologists and psychiatrists today tell us that the expression of grief is wholesome and ought to be encouraged. This is at direct variance with the "stiff upper lip" that many have been brought up to expect as normal. In this context alone - quite apart from cultural background and/or degrees of personal levels of emotions - we find ourselves confronted by some who may think that others show "excessive" demonstration of grief, while others would equally decry what appears to them to be total suppression of any visible signs of the same grief.

It has been said, and it needs to be said again, that the funeral produces the greatest therapeutic value to those who participate in it. It also assists the bereaved family to readjust after the death. The traditional funeral with its emphasis on ritual is a perfect demonstration of what is meant by this participation. By ritual we mean the involvement of members of the family, one with each other, and the mutually supportive roles that most relatives and friends play during this ritual. By ritual we do not mean the pomp and panoply and the excessive cost that sometimes unrestricted judgement can lead to.

A funeral is the final opportunity that family and friends have to publicly express their love and respect for the deceased and the support that they give each other. The funeral should therefore be arranged with as much calm and collectiveness of thought and spirit as is possible to gather on what is usually the most traumatic time in any family's life. For this very reason it is often argued that a family ought to give serious thought to discussing, at least the most obvious and salient points that are considered essential in a funeral service for one of their own, should there be any likelihood that a funeral is to be arranged in the foreseeable future.

It is suggested, for example, that responsible members of the family look at the question of whether or not the family is favourably disposed towards the burial or the cremation of its deceased, and whether or not the family would consider the funeral a "private" affair or a more "open" service. The question of whether the funeral service should be held in a church or in funeral director's premises, or at either cemetery or crematorium, is something that ought to be given some serious consideration well in advance of need.

It would not be out of place to suggest, perhaps, that in the first instance a responsible member of the family should contact a funeral director of his choice and ask for an interview with these very questions in mind. Every reputable funeral director would accede to a request of this kind without imposing any obligation whatsoever on the enquirer.

Fundamentally a funeral properly arranged should have two main purposes:

1. The funeral will ensure the proper and legal burial or cremation of the deceased whilst attending with reverence and appropriate decorum to all the required details.

2. The funeral will help the bereaved to face the reality of death, enabling them to take the first steps towards working through their grief and bereavement.

In this area it has been proven that the funeral has the most effective therapeutic value. The funeral service will therefore also fulfil a social need for the expression of grief on the one hand, and grieving support on the other.

The options available are:

It's important to recognise that funerals are for the living. for those who will suffer the trauma of losing a loved one. It is through the funeral process that a number of emotional needs are met for those who grieve.

A funeral is similar to other ceremonies in our lives. The funeral is a rite of passage by which we recognise an important event that distinguishes our lives.

The funeral declares that a death has occurred. It commemorates the life that has been lived, and offers family and friends the opportunity to pay tribute to their loved one.

The gathering of family and friends for the funeral service helps to provide emotional support so needed at this time. This will help those who grieve to face the reality of death and consequently, to take the first step toward a healthy emotional adjustment.

Psychologists have established that denial is a natural part of the grieving process. Until a bereaved person truly accepts the fact that a death has occurred, no progress can be made in resolving their grief. Research indicates that viewing the body of the deceased helps to fulfil the psychological needs of those who are left behind.

A valuable aspect of the funeral service should be its individualist. Whether a ceremony is elaborate or simple, funerals are often aimed to reflect the life of the deceased and to hold special meaning for family and friends.

It may reflect one's religious beliefs as a reaffirmation of faith in a greater life beyond this world.

It may reflect the occupation or hobbies of the deceased.

It may centre around an ethnic background or social affiliation.

Generally, a ceremony is conducted with the body of the deceased present. In this sense, the ceremony provides an occasion for saying final goodbyes prior to final disposition.

In our society, three basic forms of final disposition are practiced.

The first is earth burial which continues to be the form of disposition chosen by many.

Cremation is a form chosen by some. This is actually a process of preparing the body for final disposition whereby the body is reduced by intense heat over several hours to a few pounds of small skeletal fragments. These cremated remains are usually placed in an urn which may be buried, placed in a memorial niche, or kept in some location. Cremated remains may also be scattered where permitted by law.

Finally, entombment in a crypt is also a choice and is one of the oldest forms of disposition. Today most cemeteries maintain crypts for entombment which may be in a mausoleum or in an outdoor garden.

The role of the funeral director is one of service. The funeral director is called upon to assist with advice and practical knowledge to arrange the finer details and practical requirements that need to be put together before the final shape of the funeral service can take place. From the moment a family calls upon the services of a funeral director he places himself and all his organisation at that family's disposal, and in effect, he becomes their agent in every sense of the word by projecting and transposing their instructions into properly executed order and action.

His training and background allow him to exercise deep understanding to many of the requests made of him whether these requests may sound totally rational or not at the time. The traditional funeral director would have had experience enough to understand the meaning of the family's wishes, irrespective of in what terms these wishes are couched. It is in these areas particularly, of understanding, compassion, experience and knowledge, that the funeral director's expertise is beyond price to all those families who entrust their needs to him honestly and openly. Many are the families who have regretted a far too expansive funeral or, conversely, a far too simple and inadequate funeral service, because they were not prepared to instruct their funeral director openly.

Amongst the mundane tasks which the funeral director must carry out for the family are:-

• Transportation of the deceased remains from place of death to the mortuary.
• Preparation of the remains.
• The rationalisation of certificates from hospital or doctor's surgery.
• Completion of forms to comply with statutory requirements.
• Preparation and insertion of newspaper notices.
• Initial contact with clergyman or funeral celebrant.
• Attending to the purchase of cemetery plot on behalf of the family.
• Organise booking times of the church, cemetery and/or crematorium.
• Effect registration of the death with the requisite authorities.
• Obtain copies of Death Certificate for later use by the family or its legal representatives.
• Organise details of the funeral service, including the supply of vehicles, pall bearers, and advise on appropriate ritual.
• Advise on religious requirements in relation to not only the funeral service itself, but also to visitation and other customs usually encountered prior to, or on the eve of, the date set for the funeral.

He also collates all the necessary costs in a single detailed form of account in such a way that the family in the first instance is given an actual quotation of all the costs involved, and if acceptable, confirms these costs in a form (of account) which will service as a permanent record of all costs and expenses incurred. By this action the funeral director takes upon himself the responsibility of making all necessary payments, whether as an advance or not, on behalf of the bereaved, and relieve them of having to detail separate payments to separate entities.

The funeral director, for example, would pay the cemetery or crematorium fees, he would attend to the doctor's fees if applicable for the issuing of certificates, particularly in cases where a cremation has been indicated; make the honorariums available to officiating clergy or celebrant. He may even organise the purchase and payment of floral tributes on behalf of the family. He will certainly take the responsibility of paying for newspaper notices and telegrams if required.

All in all, the funeral director's services are many and they are only restricted by the direct instructions that he receives from the bereaved family.

The funeral director's role is one of the very few left that spells SERVICE in capital letters as in no other area of endeavour to be found in today's modern world.

Members of this Association have as a general rule the capacity of rendering service round the clock throughout the year without interruption. Every single day of the year throughout the year!

Apart from the fundamental decision of whether the funeral service is to be complemented by a burial or a cremation, the next most important information required will be that sought by the Registrar General. This information is needed for the compilation of Government statistics.

Most of this information will also be collated to and becomes part of the "Certified Copy of the Entry" in the Registrar's Register of Births, Deaths and Marriages.

The information required therefore will fall under the following headings:-

The Deceased's.

Full name
Last known address
Last known occupation
Sex
Age at time of death
Date and place of death
Place of birth
Father's name
Mother's maiden name
Marital status at time of death
Details of marriage(s) -
Details of first marriage - place, deceased's age at the time, name of person to whom married.
First name of children in order of birth from first or other subsequent marriages.
Details of second or subsequent marriages - place, deceased's age at the time, name of person to whom married.

In cases where the family grave is to be used, unless registered details of the grave are available, it is most important to be able to tell the funeral director not only the name of the cemetery where the grave is located, but also the name of the person or persons last interred in that grave and the date of those particular interments. This will enable the funeral director to check the cemetery records on behalf of the family and ascertain the accuracy of the ownership of the grave as well as the correctness of its location.

In cases of cremation, of course, no such information will need to be made available unless consideration is being given to the cremated remains being subsequently buried in a family grave. In such event the funeral director will need to have exactly the same information to enable him to identify the appropriate grave for that purpose.

The term "viewing" has become generally accepted to describe that practice which has replaced the gathering of the family at home whilst awaiting the time lapse between death and the funeral itself. When most deaths took place at home, "viewing" was part of that waiting time during which bereaved family members and friends supporting each other would pay tribute to the deceased and pray and support each other by their presence and solicitude.

As most funeral arrangements today are carried out by established and Licenced funeral directors operating from funeral premises, the custom of "viewing" has emerged. This is meant for family and friends to gather at that funeral home to express support to each other and at the same time spend some time with the deceased. This is a particularly important phase of the funeral service. It has the very basic and fundamental purpose of bringing to the fore the physical reality of the death. It also initiates the first expressions of grief and allows individuals to come to terms with their emotions.

It may also serve another purpose - a more basic and fundamental matter-of-fact purpose. Viewing will enable members of the family to make legally qualified identification reports should this be required later for estate or other purposes.

This is the very first question put by most who first hear of embalming as a funerary process. Before one can truthfully answer the question, one must first know what the embalming process is and why during the course of a funeral arrangement it is sometimes suggested to be done.

Firstly it needs to be said that modern embalming bears no relation to that process which most people relate with the ancient Egyptians. Embalming today is a specialised paramedical process by which most of the body's venous system is drained and replaced with a chemically formulated compound solution to ensure hygienic preservation of the body's tissue thus preventing accelerated deterioration and odours.

Embalming assists in reducing bacteria present in the body and in this way also reduces the potential risk of infection to all those who may need to come in contact with the body.

Embalming is mandatory in all cases where a body is to be transferred overseas - or is brought to Australia from overseas - and when the body is to be entombed in a Vault or in an above ground Mausoleum within any of our own cemeteries in Australia.

Embalming is a skilled, specialised process performed by specifically trained and qualified practitioners who, after a long term of study and practice acquire a diploma through either the British Institute of Embalmers (London) or the Australian Institute of Embalmers (AFDA) or through the adult education course sponsored by the New Zealand Embalmers Association (FDANZ).

Needless to say extremely high standards in hygiene and personal proficiency are constantly maintained. All funeral directors who are members of the Funeral Directors' Association of New South Wales Limited have the means to carry out this process or alternatively have access to qualified embalmers who can perform this highly specialised service.

Generally speaking there are two types of funeral arrangement interviews. One is when people approach the funeral director if their choice after a death has occurred within the family circle for the purpose of arranging a funeral service for the immediate future. The not so obvious alternative is when people decide to see a funeral director for the purpose of ascertaining whether or not arrangements for a funeral may be undertaken and held in abeyance for a time in the future. The latter situation is often dictated by either a family being aware of a serious illness which might bring about death of a loved one, or sometimes by the fact that some members of a family may have been involved in either participating in or attending a funeral of a deceased relative or close friend. This often brings about an awareness that funeral arrangements may, in fact, be advantageously considered and discussed well ahead of time when the participants are calm and collected and have specific points of view to express.

In the situation however, when arranging a funeral service, the first most important consideration to assess is:-

1. if a death takes place in a hospital or nursing home;

2. if a death is due to unexpected causes such as an accident or a seizure;

3. if a death takes place at home.

1. In the event of a death taking place in a hospital, most of the formalities required for the issuing of death and other certificates are normally undertaken by the hospital administration. It is important that the family instruct the hospital that the remains are to be either buried or cremated. In this event the most immediate step for the family is to select a funeral director of its choice and instruct him in detail for the services expected from him.

2. In the event that death was due to unexpected causes or an accident, an authority to issue a permit for the final disposition of the remains has to come from the Coroner. In this event the death will have been reported, through a police station, to the Coroner and the Department of Forensic Medicine would then be required to make certain examinations, normally referred to as Post Mortem examination. The Coroner, having then examined the findings of such an examination, would decide whether or not to issue the required permit. In this event the family will not be given a death certificate (as it is commonly understood when a doctor attends a patient in the normal course of an illness).

There are occasions when the authority of the Coroner is misunderstood by the general public. As an indication of when the Coroner is required to attend to the formalities of a death, it is pointed out that in all cases where -

• death is unexpected.

• death occurs from other than natural causes.

• death is due to an accident.

• death has taken place without there having been any recent consultation with a medical practitioner.

the Coroner has final authority. In these circumstances the deceased's body must not be moved or disturbed in any way without permission of the Coroner or the police.

The original notification to the police or Coroner would have been made either at the time of the accident by interested parties, onlookers, or whoever was involved, or by the doctor or hospital which may have been required to certify the victim dead. In these circumstances a police officer would advise the family of the occurrence and would then require a member of the family to accompany him to a Mortuary where formal identification of the remains will be officially made for the purposes of Coroner identification.

In this context, therefore, the family will be required to advise the funeral director of its wishes in relation to the funeral service, but the arrangements for the funeral will have to be kept in abeyance until such time as the funeral director obtains all the necessary permits and legal clearances from the Coroner. As in all other cases, the family is free to select a funeral director of its own choice even though a 'police' or 'Government' contractor may have been required by the authorities to handle the deceased's remains in the first instance.

It is often very good practice to next contact the family's church or pastor to advise of the death. For families who have a commitment with a church or pastor this step is a very obvious one. To those who may not have a close commitment then it is suggested that the funeral director be asked to make the contact for them. In this way it is often found that the funeral service conducted by a clergyman or lay preacher who has had the opportunity to discuss family matters relating to the deceased ahead of the service, would render the funeral service more meaningful than would otherwise have been the case.

The bereaved family is strongly advised to nominate one of its members as spokesman, preferably at the outset, when contact with a funeral director is made. When this is done it will be found that the funeral director'' expertise would be an invaluable guide to the family in all matters that have to be attended to.

If you require more detailed information about the Coroner and Coronial System in NSW ask for the pamphlet entitled "Information about the Coroners Court". Available from your local FDS of NSW member or send a stamped self addressed envelope (22cm x 11cm) to the Association PO Box 254 Cherrybrook 2126 for a free copy.

It must be understood from the outset that a funeral account differs from many other accounts. Most accounts represent a service fee (or cost) for services rendered, but the funeral director's account actually represents three distinct segments. To be more specific:

1. Firstly the funeral director's charges for his services (usually referred to as a 'Service Fee');

2. Secondly the cost of the casket. (This is a cost item which is selected entirely by the family at its discretion --in most cases the choice is made by a close relative of the deceased or next of kin);

3. Thirdly all those other amounts which the funeral director will pay on behalf of the family in order to co-ordinate and bring about the "funeral service" as a total unit. 9These items are usually referred to as 'Disbursements').

These charges usually refer to, and include such items as:-

• The preparation and purchase of flowers, sometimes as family tributes and other times as decoration pieces for church or chapel.

• Newspaper notices or, in some areas in the country, radio notices for both obituaries and funeral notices.

• Purchase of a cemetery plot or the attending to the payment of cremation fees.

• Medical fees for the issuing of cremation certificates.

• Payment of the honorarium (or fee) to the clergyman or lay preacher for his participation in the funeral service. Church fees such as verger and/or organist may also be involved, and if so they are included under this heading.

In fact any payment which the funeral director makes on behalf of the family - always with the family's consent - is usually included under the heading of "Disbursements", and every funeral director's account would normally have the "disbursements" listed item by item for the family's information and verification.

The funeral service is one of the most labour intensive services available today. The funeral director's function is aimed at achieving a complete service, and from what has just been described of the funeral account, will indicate how involved and detailed are inclined to be his "behind the scene" activities.

As already explained, the casket is usually the personal choice of either a close relative or the next of kin. The choice of casket will reflect the cost involved, and this is usually dependent on the quality, materials and finish. It is beyond he requirements of this booklet to give specific prices and descriptions of different caskets and coffins as these are far better gauged by personal inspection at any funeral director's premises. As has often been said beforehand, members of the Funeral Director's Association of New South Wales Limited would welcome visits from anyone who is interested in this matter and who wishes to update their personal knowledge of this type of merchandise from which a choice can be made, varying in price from the most inexpensive (a basic coffin) to more elaborate, and sometimes, very expensive units.

The funeral director's Service Fee is designed to recover all of his overhead costs just in the same way as in any other business venture. To do this he must then take into account his many professional services and facilities associated with his role as a funeral director, including his availability at any hour, day or night; providing trained personnel, advice and services; liaise with cemeteries, crematoria, clergy, newspapers, florists, etc., etc.; use of relevant facilities and equipment; supplying Hearse and vehicle and appropriate labour as necessary or as stipulated by industrial awards. He also must (proportionately) recoup administrative expenses such as Salaries and Wages (including Holiday, Long Service Leave, Sickness and Workers' Compensation obligations), Rates and Taxes, motor expenses, telephone, light and gas, insurances, depreciation, repairs and maintenance, etc. etc.

Over the years it has become very evident that funeral service requirements vary between groups of people. In the main, any funeral director who is a member of this Association holds himself ready and available to render any service, be it the most simple and basic. The final decision of what a funeral director offers is directly dependent on how specific a family is with its requirements and on its preparedness to openly and honestly discuss costs at the outset, before all the funeral details are finally arranged. Members of this Association are fully aware that most people perceive the funeral director to be a combination of dedicated community worker and a businessman as well. This Association therefore requires of its members the highest possible ethics by which the funeral director places the client's requirements first, as a means of ensuring that his business goodwill survives in the long term.

It is unquestionably in the interest of both client and funeral director that the service rendered be of the highest quality without unnecessary additions to reasonable cost commensurate with that service.

Payment of Account:

Most funeral directors require a deposit on their accounts to help maintain balance in their business operations. After all is said and done, and in spite of the funeral director's many necessary areas of involvement, he is not, and should not be expected to be, a money lender as well. His request for a deposit is a private and personal matter between himself and his client, but in general terms the deposit required would remit the sum total of all the disbursements and perhaps a portion of the service fee. In some cases this requirement cannot always be met because of estate factors and problems. In any event the funeral account is normally paid out of, or the person paying the account is normally reimbursed by, funds from the estate, against which funeral expenses have first claim.

It is now customary for funeral accounts outstanding over a long period to accrue interest at a rate to offset the funeral director's involvement in providing credit to his client family.

The thoughtful and caring person will want in every way possible to lighten the burden which will be faced by the family in the event of death.

It is true that many people, having considered this question, put it out of their mind without ever reaching any conclusion or taking any action because of either a fear of being considered morbid or because they lack the knowledge of what to do. In a matter as delicate and emotive as one's own funeral service, it is perhaps not too difficult to understand these mixed emotions in someone who is not altogether certain of the right thing to do. It is strongly suggested that should anyone find themselves in this dilemma to consider the following alternatives:-

1. Make a Will. Making a will is a wise precaution, not a death warrant. Quite apart from the funeral requirements, any person of legal age, married or single, should consider making a will. Any solicitor or public trustee is available to advise in this regard. Once made it is advisable to review the contents periodically to ensure that it is kept up to date regarding changed circumstances and requirements. In the area of funeral requirements all following requests can be part of the will document:-

1. choice of funeral director;

2. church or religious affiliation;

3. wishes as to burial or cremation;

4. the venue for the funeral service;

5. details of cemetery plots, family owned or yet to be purchased;

6. memorial instructions and niche for cremated ashes.

Your will should be kept in a safe place which should be made known to your next of kin or legal representative. Your will is a very important document and should be treated as such. It is very good advice t keep your will in the safe keeping of your solicitor or with the bank, together with any other important documents you may have such as house deeds, etc.

For further and more detailed advice consult your solicitor or the Public Trustee of NSW.

1. Pre-arrange your funeral. Government action in 1979 closed down many funds which were found lacking in safeguards. Following upon a considerable number of requests from the general public, the Government realised that the community required some means by which provision could be made in advance for funeral costs yet to be incurred in the future. For this purpose legislation was specifically passed and under the Funeral Fund Act 1979 it is now permitted for certain groups to be registered as "Funeral Funds" and to address themselves to the public and seek contributions for the purpose of ensuring funeral services at predetermined costs.

Many members of the Funeral Director's Association of New South Wales Limited have either their own specifically registered Fund or participate in a general Scheme registered under the Act to provide just such a service to the public. To be recommended by this Association a "Fund" will need to comply with the following safeguards.

• It must be administered by professional fund specialists.

• It must be registered under the Funeral Funds Act 1979 in New South Wales and comply with Local Government Act 1993.

• The use of a life insurance vehicle for funeral funds is illegal and therefore a fund based on a life insurance policy is not acceptable by this Association.

• Invested monies must be safely invested by managers who have a proven track record preferably in a "Capital Guarantee Fund".

• Funds must be able to be withdrawn at any time by the contributor.

• There must be no hidden costs at the time when the funeral is needed.

• The scheme must not be subject to age and/or health restrictions.

• The fund must be capable of transfer interstate, intrastate and (under certain conditions) overseas.

• The fund must be exempt from the "Income Test" + "Asset Test" + "Capital Gains Test" and "Income Tax".

• The fund must be endorsed by the Association's members.

• The scheme must offer some flexibility in payment by having lump sum and/or Instalment Payment Facilities available.

Details of the Preferred Fund sponsored and approved by the Association may be obtained from the Association's office.

Further Assistance

Where to Turn:

A guide to bereavement support.

Why this chapter was included.

Death and grief are human experiences, yet these experiences tend to be different for every individual. As a result there is no single action or process a survivor goes through to resolve and recover from his or her grief.

There is a saying which many people have found to be true - "Grief share, is grief diminished." In other words, if we will share our sadness, our loss with others - a close friend, or perhaps a new acquaintance who has had a similar experience, we may feel better as a result.

Over the years a number of groups have organised to share their experiences with others, to offer support, understanding and friendship. Such groups typically offer helpful information and literature, individualised counselling or group discussions, educational programs and pleasant social interaction.

From the list on the following pages, we have noted those special groups or agencies which may provide you with assistance.

Who is the Group for?
Anyone who is grieving a loss through death.

When does it meet?
One session a week, for six to eight weeks.

Why have a Group?
Talking about grief helps the healing. It is very comforting to talk with others who are also grieving - they have a special empathy, and you realise you are not alone.

What happens in the Group?
People are invited to share their feelings in a supportive, non-judgemental atmosphere. There is opportunity to grapple with issues and to learn more about the grief process. We aim to help people accept themselves and grow through their grieving.

Who facilitates?
Counsellors trained and experienced in group facilitation.

Cost?
No charge.

Just a call away.

Lifeline provides a crisis intervention and support service 24 hours a day, every day of the year. The easy accessibility of Lifeline by phone - together with the anonymity it provides - makes it easier to talk about any kind of problem or worry. And Lifeline's commitment to confidentiality means callers can talk in complete confidence.

We have Counsellors that you can come in and talk with. about your sadness, your concerns, the future.

Support is available for you. This is a free service.

Lifeline in Australia was founded in Sydney, March 1963. Lifeline now has 38 centres throughout Australia and reaches more than 80% of the population.

What Grief Support Offers
24 hours telephone service; provided by trained volunteers. We offer an empathic listening ear. Through out own loss experiences we are sensitive to the needs of grieving people. All calls are confidential and anonymous. We are able to refer callers to other appropriate community services and agencies.

About Grief Support Volunteers
All Grief Support volunteers must have experienced a close and personal loss and undergo an intensive training programme. Thereafter they attend fortnightly workshops which provide continuing education, training support and guidance. Both training and workshops are supervised by a professional advisory panel.

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome Association of New South Wales (SIDS)
24 hours emergency line - (02) 9639 6969
Office Hours general enquiries - (02) 9639 5343